Author: an Ichi Kyu

I study Kyokushin karate at a dojo in Burbank. I don't yet have permission to say more than this about my dojo. I am also a mother of two, both of whom have studied Kyokushin karate a year longer than I. They are instructors! My husband created the art posted on this site. I have his permission to use it, but he expressly asked me not to credit him as the artist. He's moved on to other styles, and doesn't particularly want a public association with this piece. I love this artwork, personally. And me? I work full time as a cloth and hair simulation artist, as well as a python coder, in the visual effects industry. I have roughly sixteen years experience in film and about four in television. I am 50; I suppose my decision to attempt the black belt test, along with creating this blog, represents my mid-life crisis. Wish me luck! 

Tuesday, May 12th, 2020

I’m doing this write in five minute increments while cooking eggs and Madras lentils for B. It is our last packet of Madras lentils from Trader Joe’s, since we started sheltering in place, and also B’s favorite. Unfortunately we stopped going to Trader Joe’s, which we love, because they do not deliver. I just found out, however, after Googling to make sure my spelling was correct, that Amazon may deliver Trader Joe products. That’s new. We have not tried it.

I did my exercises last night and this morning. Yesterday, I also ran for twenty minutes. I’m finding that evening exercises are more smooth for me when I do them outdoors. We have a balcony off of our bedroom, and I do them there now.

Normally I do my evening exercises right after work; I avoid walking through the house before exercises, so folks will just assume I’m still working. Which I am: I’m working towards a fitness goal. In addition, exercising helps alleviate stress and may possibly keep me tethered to this world a bit longer. Avoiding walking through the house is my strategy to stay focused until I finish what I need to do. That’s not to say my family is my only distraction: it might be unfolded laundry or dishes or mail that catches my eye.

It’s much easier to just tackle the exercises as soon as I log off from work. Exercising also helps get me out of my “work” head so I can actually be present with my family when I’m off work. Nothing takes your mind off office politics, buggy code or annoying artistic notes like striving towards a push-up goal. Even when I cannot complete all the exercises or I’m sloppy, I’m still happy to know I pushed myself. Pushing your muscles to failure on occasion does, in fact, help to build more muscle, so you can achieve more repetitions and/or better form later. It is one of those few areas in which your failures will eventually carry you to success. You have to trust the process.

I really should put my back log of entries up on this site. Back in November, the idea of sixty push-ups was intimidating. I remember being proud when I was able to do twenty, and now I’m at sixty! But that’s what it takes to reach sixty: trying to do twenty, and failing, until you succeed, then trying for thirty….

Monday May 11th, 2020

I did push-ups, sit-ups and squats. It was both difficult and nice to get back into the weekday exercise schedule. On Saturday, instead of running for twenty minutes, I walked on the treadmill for sixty minutes with a steeper than usual incline. Leilani and I talked on the phone for most of my walk. It was fun. That hour felt much shorter than my usual twenty minute run.

Speaking of which, I need to run today!

Sensei sent me an article on the most common ways that COVID-19 can spread, written by Erin Bromage, who recently taught a course on infectious diseases to undergraduates, and offers practical advice on staying safe during this pandemic. Here’s the link:

https://www.erinbromage.com/post/the-risks-know-them-avoid-them

It’s sobering. I sent it to D, my husband, who sent it to other family members. Dr. Bromage expresses some concerns over loosening restrictions for economic recovery without any treatments available for the disease.

At the beginning of California’s lockdown, D started reading Albert Camus’s “the Plague.” D really found it intense and a particularly good read during this pandemic.

I have to admit that, after reading and fining “the Stranger” very disturbing, I have avoided reading any more Camus. Yes, I know it’s supposed to be disturbing. I’ve experienced plenty of disturbing outside of literature, however. Yes, I do agree that good art will often depict what is disturbing in human nature; simple observation will, too.

In order to keep your own will in tact and discover both joy and beauty on this frightening Earth, you have to pace yourself. To do that, you need to know and be honest with yourself. In short, when you are feeling dizzy, don’t look over the edge of the cliff. Wait until your stomach, mind and feet feel steady and grounded, then seek the view with caution, respecting your own strength and minding both your footing and the weather conditions when you peer over the edge.

Kyokushin is loosely translated as “absolute truth.” In Sensei’s dojo, we interpret it more as “the search for absolute truth or reality,” since none of us, ultimately, actually have or can grasp that absolute reality. If we are disciplined, open to change, and we keep searching, we come much closer to grasping it.

Sunday May 10th, 2020

It’s Mother’s Day. D and I went to a local flower shop in downtown Burbank called Lavanda’s Flowers and Gifts for a bouquet for Miriam, D’s mother. The flowers were colorful: large sunflowers, sprays of baby’s breath, pink and red roses, purple daisies and fern leaves. For the price, we received a large amount of beautiful flowers. They were generous.

It took a while to spray down each of the flowers with the diluted bleach water, trim the stems then arrange them again. We had so many flowers, they did not fit into a single vase. I used a glass pitcher in addition to the nice glass flower vase I had already. The flowers came with a pretty ribbon and were wrapped in a flower print cloth. I set those aside in a dated, cardboard box so they could sit for three days, and used ribbons from our own “gift” supply box.

I save ribbons, bows, gift bags and keep wrapping paper, colored tissue, etc., together in a plastic bin. A couple fancy bows and blue ribbon from the box did the trick for the two flower arrangements I derived from our wonderful flower bundle. I stashed them in Miriam and Richard’s study to protect them from cats.

Miriam loved them, too. Richard, when he came down stairs, told me they’d noticed that the “flower bunny” had been by their study.

F and S cooked breakfast, but they burned some pita bread that they’d tried to cook in a pan. S tried to melt chocolate for his dessert in the microwave, and smoked up the kitchen. I took the smoking bowl out of the microwave with a set of tongs and set it outside. We opened windows and turned on the blower above the stove as well as the kitchen fan. I don’t know how we managed to avoid setting off the fire alarm. It smelled pretty bad for a while.

The thought was sweet, and they did eventually finish a nice meal of eggs, tomatoes cooked in oil, crunchy spinach fried with garlic in oil, with cheddar and fresh chopped cheese, served on toasted–but not burned–pita bread.

Sabrina drove over a carload of things that we will store for her. She will move back to Boston in about two weeks and live with her family during the pandemic. She and her current landlord and roommate are got getting along well now that they are both home together all the time. Hopefully this will give Sabrina a chance to save money. Since we are all working from home and may be for a while, it makes no difference whether she works from Los Angeles or Boston. It was good to see her. I definitely miss seeing her every day.

Our Religious School parent group had a meeting over Zoom with the Rabbi. One of the teachers joined us, too. Our Temple received a grant, and the school will continue into the summer for the next six weeks, giving us a chance to make up for lost time. It’s also good for the kids to have something to do, given many summer programs for children will not be available this year.

D also bought tickets for us to watch a comedy program hosted by Flapper’s over Zoom. Laurie Kilmartin was the headliner, but all of the comics were very funny. It was fun.

F also cooked chicken for dinner, and S make homemade peanut butter cups. He did manage to melt some dark chocolate, poured it into cupcake cups, then added his peanut butter mixture then covered that with dark chocolate. Those were really tasty. F baked a chocolate cake, too.

I did do a ten minute write yesterday but didn’t enter it here. I’ll have to do that soon. It’s late now.

Friday May 8th, 2020

Today I was more focused than yesterday while doing my exercises. I did do twenty extra push-ups on my knees, “chest-style,” after doing the forty “tricep” ones on the floor and twenty on the matte on my toes. I tried to imagine what it would be like to get through sixty on my fists on the floor. That’s where I need to be by August.

I also filled out two job applications on-line with two of the larger tech companies. One has a games division in Orange County, and the other has an R&D facility–for some kind of virtual reality or animation-related group in Northern California. I didn’t initially realize it was for Northern California, but given the situation with the coronavirus, I am hoping I could work from home if I am considered. Fingers crossed.

I felt optimistic. I revised a cover letter for one of them. On paper, I look good: three degrees, and I have twenty years experience. My portfolio is nice, and I’m outgoing and creative. I interview well, too.

So why do I need to try so hard to convince myself I have a chance? Granted, these places are probably long shots. I’m older than their typical candidates. My education is in literature and not computer science. Not too many women are able to stick it out in my field, let alone advance. In some ways, I’m lucky I’m still working. Whether those companies look at me or not, I just need a decent job working with nice people.

Actually, given I’m still working during this pandemic, I’m very fortunate. One of my coworker, the friend who gave me the fruit last week, texted she was given notice of hiatus. She has a week left to work. So really, I’m lucky right now. I probably have two weeks, possibly more.

My best friend from high school, Leilani, called and we talked for nearly an hour. She is taking graduate classes on-line now. Yesterday, she had a frustrating experience with her step-son. He was supposed to stay with his father and her this past weekend, but instead, he asked his mother for permission to visit his girlfriend. He basically put his mother in the situation of telling her ex and Leilani that he would not be coming over.

Leilani chastised him for disappointing his father. She worried that she was out-of-line for doing this, but the kid is eighteen years old. He wants to be treated like an adult, and legally, he is one. I told her that, by dressing him down and letting him know he’d upset them by cancelling their plans, she was treating him more like an adult. Grown-ups take responsibility for their actions, and deal with the consequences if they disappoint people. She did treat him like an adult.

Karate class tonight, seven p.m. over Zoom. I’m looking forward to it.

Saturday May 9th, 2020

I did karate class over Zoom Friday evening and Saturday morning, but the kids skipped both classes. P lead kihon Friday night and had us do five rapid-fire moves for each exercise. It was a good work-out!

I’m proud to report that, after Friday night’s class, I was able to do sixty push-ups on my toes in the clover, without pausing. After class, I felt so energized that I wanted to see if I could do it, and I could! I did! I also did my eighty squats and sit-ups on the concrete patio.

Sensei had ended the class with a Tai Chi exercise. Reach up to the Heavens and bring down heavenly energy, he instructed. Then, reach down to the Earth and bring up “grounding” energy to your heart, he continued, then pull it down to your chi area and mix the two. Then, reach behind for any unfinished business, affirming to yourself that what needs to be done will be done.

When we reached up to the Heavens, I wanted to see the the sky. Our outdoor patio is shaded by the second story, so I stepped clear of the ceiling in order to see the night sky. While we pulled up the grounding energy, I stood with bare feet on the ground. All this literalness is a bit silly, I know, but it felt holy. Sometimes there is no mental substitute for the real stars above you and dirt between your toes. Why settle for an idea when reality is right there?

Thursday May 7th, 2020

F told me that her close friend R, who is also an ichi-kyu and junior shodan, will be moving with her family to Connecticut. R and her brother do not want to move, from what she told F. This was the reason behind F’s sudden fatigue and illness yesterday: she felt sad.

My son B was right: they have their own stresses. I’m sad for the kids. It’s hard to move to a new place, and leave your friends, and all you know, behind. For older kids, it’s particularly difficult. How can you not be sad when your friend moves to the opposite coast?

Long-term, I know they’ll be fine. Both R and her brother are great kids; they’ll adjust and make new friends. They both excel when they apply themselves. R, in particular, is driven. She’s one of the most accomplished kids in my daughter’s circle of friends. The friend who was hospitalized earlier this year is her childhood buddy, too.

R has been put through the wringer: first year of high school, best friend hospitalized, COVID-19 shutting down their color guard competitions after all their hard practice–not to mention shutting down their school–and now her family is moving to the East Coast.

I exercised this morning, but it was difficult and I was distracted. The Japanese count eluded me more than once.

We had a department meeting at work yesterday. No real news, other than furloughs are coming. The company has a special project or two that will carry a small number of people. However, our group is no longer part of that “inner circle;” the parent company will consolidate business units; they are also staffing offices in locations where they can better take advantage of subsidies and cheaper labour. Our entire business unit may be outside the “inner circle” at this point.

Within our own business unit, the head of digital has started his own hand-picked “creature” department: younger artists more receptive to his ideas, perhaps, and less likely to raise thorny questions. In theory, this is an R&D department; however, why would the people who do the actual creature work on a daily basis, all of whom have anywhere from ten to twenty years production experience, not be conducting their own R&D? Fishy.

Finally, if there’s no work, there’s no money. If there’s no money, no one will be kept working for long. So any “inner circles” are moot. Perhaps it is natural for us to look around and imagine that others have it better. Often, those left behind are not happier or more fortunate. In addition to being talented, they are often cheaper and more gullible.

I really need to apply for jobs elsewhere. The writing has been all over the wall here even before the pandemic shut down live action production. Though I complain about this job, I have good friends there and sometimes enjoy the work. It is the only company where I’ve been able to work for a female CG supervisor. I even like being on four day weeks.

Overall, the people in our unit are good, talented, well-intentioned people. I’ve worked with some real duds during my career, and we have very few, if any, of those. Even my least favorite person there is competent, and, during a crisis, is capable of kindness. He just thinks he knows more than he actually does, and knows less about the people he works with than he should. We can remedy that.

Speaking of work, I have to log in in ten minutes.

May 6th, 2020

Yesterday evening we had a good karate class, though F didn’t feel well and sat out. We did two sets of twenty push-ups, sit-ups and squats during class, so I only had to do twenty push-ups and forty of the others after class. I didn’t go in the grass this time but stayed on the patio. Sit-ups on concrete, even relatively smooth concrete, are not ideal.

Sensei focused the class on Sanchin. Primarily, he taught us the IFK counts for breathing: four count when you draw your fist back and breath in, then two as you punch out. B had a question about breathing during transitions, but Sensei didn’t see he was trying to ask.

Also, the computer logged us out twice, apparently after five minutes of “inactivity.” Our internet connection from the back patio was not great, either. Twice we lost connection with the Zoom class.

There are two squirrels, one in the loquat tree and another in the adjacent Tree of Heaven, just barking and squawking at each other. Sometimes one will chirrup. They sound angry. One makes noises like that when our cat sits in the window, so I assume it is asserting its territorial rights.

Last night, the kids angered me by leaving the kitchen in a mess. F, in particular, had left a cooking project half complete, and dirty dishes scattered. She had started a dessert, then decided she was too tired to finish, clean up or attend karate. Later, after resting, she came downstairs to finish her dessert but still did not clean up.

At ten pm, I played task master over both kids, ordering them to clean. I helped too. B washed everything. I thanked him later. I told him I found it stressful to get up early to clean and disinfect the kitchen, work all day, then, after class, I spent time looking at job boards. When I’m ready to relax with them and watch a show, we can’t because the kitchen is a mess. B said they, too, were feeling stressed by being stuck inside. They can’t see their friends, participate in activities like jazz band, or go out for very long.

I visited the websites of three large studios where I’d previously worked. Their job boards simply erred, as if someone removed those pages in a hurry. It was odd.

Tuesday May 5th, 2020

Yesterday I got in my second set of exercises but I found it much harder to do extra push-ups beyond the sixty. I did maybe five to seven before stopping, and this was after resting after the sixty. Also, regarding sit-ups: I focused on lower abs. The “diagonals” challenge me the most now. Last month, I found toe-touches hard. They are still difficult but I am more accustomed to them now.

In addition, I ran for twenty minutes while listening to the Podcast, “Scattered.” The narrator, Chris Garcia, talks about losing his father, and his father’s dying wish to have his ashes scattered off the coast of his homeland of Cuba. I teared up listening to more than one episode of this on the treadmill, and I heard the final one. When they actually scatter the ashes, his religious sister leads them in singing “Blessed Assurance,” in Spanish. I recognized the music from many childhood trips to my Evangelical aunt’s Baptist church, and I have loved that song since I was young.

At work yesterday, we had a Zoom call with our top visual effects supervisor and studio head. Our department was there with the Rigging; they spent most of the time talking about issues related to rigging. They bickered, too, over why a blendshape solution that was purchased a couple years back did not get used, among other things. Most of this was not relevant to our department so we just listened politely. At one point, my husband wandered in and stood behind me for a moment. The VFX supervisor, seeing him, suddenly quipped, “S (that’s me) you have a stalker!” We laughed. I wrote in the Zoom chat: “I married that stalker.” That received a few LOLs.

The VFX supervisor did notice that my team was on-line, though we didn’t talk. My take-away from that meeting was basically this: he really trusts what the artists and supervisors close to him tell him. He wants to keep as many of us as he can, in LA. Having no paid work coming in soon limits what he can do.

This morning, I did push-ups, sit-ups and squats. I managed twenty more “chest” push-ups on my knees. I also got the Japanese count right during squats.

Karate class tonight! And exercises, second set–however many we do not do during class.

Monday May 4th, 2020

Today, I did forty push-ups, “tricep-style,” on the floor on my knuckles, then twenty “chest-style” push-ups on the matte. Because the Monday after a week of rest is a good time to be macho, I added twenty more “chest” push-ups on my knees. However, I must admit that the last two barely counted.

I did eighty squats, alternating each set of “normal” squats with “punching” squats. For “punching” squats, when we come up from the squat, we punch rapidly once with each fist–the punches should fit within the time of a “normal” squat. I sailed through those fine, although I botched the Japanese count. I mixed up shichi (seven) and shi (four.)

For sit-ups, I tried to mix it up a bit but still focus on upper abs. So, twenty toe-touches and forty traditional sit-ups with floor slaps to start. Following this, I did one set of “diagonal” abs: a combination of a bicycle and a leg-lift. To do these, you keep one leg up at about a thirty to forty-five degree angle and just hold that while you touch your knee to your elbow on the other side. One set is ten exercises on each side. I find those challenging. After those, I rounded out my eighty with one more set of traditional sit-ups. Sit-ups winded me, so I know now that these will help me be more fit.

Plan for today: twenty minute run on the treadmill and my second set of exercises (40 floor chest pushups, 20+ on the matte, 80 squats and 80 sit-ups.) Wish me luck! It is my first day back to it after having a week off!

I also have ten minutes to get dressed and clock into work.

Sunday May 3rd, 2020

I will meditate as soon as I am finished with this ten minute write. Tomorrow, it’s back to exercises for me. I should do eighty sit-ups and squats. Push-ups should be forty on the floor and twenty on a matte. So, it is my first week of eighties.

Today, B, F and I baked chocolate chip cookies. We argued about cooking. How silly! Baking cookies is usually fun! We felt too pent-up.

As a family, staying safe during this pandemic is challenging. Intellectually each of us understands we need to avoid catching coronavirus from folks outside our household. Practically, each of us has “blind” spots or areas where it is hard to keep doing what we must to avoid infection.

For example, on Friday, a friend from work dropped by and brought kumquats. I so enjoyed just standing outside and get caught up with her. D, watching from the window, had to remind me to keep six feet apart. We did stand apart, then the mailman arrived and we moved to give him space. We also greeted him, but then we drifted closer as we talked.

D loves food, cooking and chatting shop with cooks. Yesterday he picked up take-out from a new Indian restaurant that opened recently near Hayatt’s, our favorite restaurant. He signed the credit card statement using the restaurant server’s pen: he didn’t have one on him and had not expected that he would need to sign. He did wash his hands when we got home. However, on the way home, he touched the steering wheel, his phone, the car door handle, etc., so we had to remember to spray all of these surfaces as well.

The grandparents sometimes feel it is overkill to heat food–again–that came from restaurants just to be on the safe side, or to let food from the store sit three days, or to stay so far back from the kind shoppers who drop off our groceries. They, and we, tire of all these precautions, even though we know the purpose of these things.

Intellectually we all know that the virus is indiscriminate and will infect anyone, regardless of how nice or clean that person seems. On an unconscious level, it is hard to think of your friends and neighbors as potential carriers and possibly harmful to you, when you know them to be conscientious people. Yet COVID-19 has infected so many people: doctors, nurses, grocery workers, bus drivers, teachers, etc. It is difficult to counter-act our own social programming. When we see friends, neighbors or even kindly strangers, we do not want to be rude or hurt others’ feelings, or we may be simply happy to see them and forget.

We are social creatures, so social distancing is hard. My family is lucky that we are six with cats. I know this, but still miss my community.